Dear Jonathan Ross…

I saw you presenting the BAFTAs last night and thought you did an excellent job. However I saw the part where the guy from Gavin and Stacey threatened to take the job away from you next year and when they cut to you there was a sense of resignation in your expression. Is he bullying you? Has Dickie Bird Attenborough been covering it up? With him gone now, I’m sure if you go and tell Prince William about the problems he will help!

If he can’t let me know, I have a contact number for Mr T (found it on the back of a Snickers wrapper), or if you get really desperate we can call Chuck Norris (If you say his name 9 times backwards whilst holding a transformers car he appears).

Hope the family is well.

Sincerely,

Colin M